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At the rate I'm saving money, I'll have to work till I'm 90 just to live till I'm 80. When persistence pays off it's called tenacity, when it just ends up spinning your wheels it's called stubbornness. A man walks into a bar carrying a horse on his shoulders. The bartender says, "Aren't you tired?" The horse says, "No, but I'm a little uncomfortable" personal note -- I was shaving yesterday and was irritated that it was so hard to see those white whiskers to know whether or not I got all of them. Then I thought to myself that if I can't see them then neither can anybody else. Then I thought to myself, 'Wait a minute. I'm old!' When I was younger I would hear, "Aaron, reach for the stars. Reach for the stars." I later discovered that many of them have bodyguards that are kind of mean. They also told me that I could do anything I put my mind to. So I put my mind to proving one cannot do anything he puts his mind to, but apparently I didn't put my mind to it properly because I couldn't prove it. Actions speak louder than words. That's why pantomimes don't need microphones. When I was a youngster in Kansas I was treated with colorful rural sayings, more of them invented than simply passed on I believe, and fortunately not repeated often. Once at a farm sale my father asked a neighbor how he was. He said, "I couldn't kick if I was dead." My father laughed. Many months later after still not figuring out what that meant I finally asked Dad. He said he didn't know. When I asked him why he laughed, he said probably just to be polite. Another farmer neighbor worked part time at a gas station. When asked how he was once, he said, "I'm sick in bed upstairs over an empty lot," then he laughed really big. I didn't think it was funny at the time, but now I kind of like it. We often exchanged a few words at the mailbox with the farmer who lived across the road. The prevailing bitter wind in winter in Kansas is from the north. One extremely cold, winter day he told us, "The north wind is always colder when it blows from the south," which it was doing that day. That saying has deeper implications. Sandwiched between admiration and adoration is admonition. I think the word, utilize, is overused, and hence the word, use, underutilized. Just because you should do something doesn't mean you can, and just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Growing up on a farm helped me to learn that for every plant there's an herbicide that will work effectively, every plant except weeds. Finally, I'm in the IN crowd. INept, INcompetent, INsane, ... Have you ever had that feeling when trying to figure out something complicated that you're building a mental house of cards, and it's about to collapse? Hope it's not my fault Mexico doesn't like us anymore. After a taxi ride down there once, I gave the guy an extra peso. He said, "Do you know what one peso will buy?" At least, that's what I think he said. I said, "Why do I care? It's your money." At least I think that's what I said I have a real low opinion of myself. I think instead of a shortcoming, that's actually a great quality in a person. But that would be bragging to say that since it would be talking about myself and would be prideful, which is wrong. I guess I'm in a pickle -- in quite a jam. Yick! Pickle jam. That's disgusting. Well, actually I am kind of hungry. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Funny how all crises somehow end up with food. What did the mad cake say to the baker? "You really frost me!" Not all, but some who suffer in the grip of depression could look down at their neck and find their own hand. My friends who took one of those super-economical European trips told me the Greek museum they went to only had a bunch of marble arms and noses. Somewhere out there, there's an institution, with an empty room, with a door, with your name on it. One wild and crazy guy I know is a child of the 60s -- and the 70s -- and the 80s -- and the 90s -- and the zero zeroes. "What's up?" I wonder if in Australia they say, "What's Down?" I can always tell coworkers who went to school in the 80s and 90s because they lament a questionable use of paper. Let's see now. Trees grow using free energy. The gas those tree-huggers used to drive to work that day in their mammoth vehicles is gone forever. I feel sorry for them never knowing the guiltless pleasure of wadding up a piece of paper and tossing it into a trash can. A Readers Digest riddle to answer, "How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?" My best shot was three: One clown to change the light bulb. One clown to try to throw a bucket of water on him, and another clown to keep chasing that guy away just in the nick of time. The lie we most often tell ourselves, 'I'll remember where I put that.' How did the tailor like his new job? Just so-so. When somebody gives you old-fashioned advise it's best to listen, for example, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." If he starts describing the best way he's found, "Hold the dead cat up by it's tail and slowly...," then it's time to stop listening. A man saw a newspaper ad about a farmer having some puppies to give away for free to the first people who come for them. He got directions by phone but got lost on a country road so stopped at a farm where he saw a farmer down by his barn. He walked over there and asked where such-and-such lives and that he needed to get there soon. The farmer says, "Well, I heard you pull up, but I didn't see you. Are you driving a car or a truck?" "A car," the city guy answers. "Is it a four door or a two door?" "A four-door." "Is it rear wheel drive, front wheel drive, or what?" "Front wheel drive." "You got them fancy chrome alloy wheels?" "No." "Well, does it have a cigarette lighter?" "Yes, I think so." Then the farmer says, "Oh, that fellow lives just down the road a quarter mile on the north side." The city guy, a little perturbed says, "Thanks, but why didn't you tell me sooner?" The farmer said, "Well, no need to be so snippy. You'd be there by now if you hadn't stopped and chatted so long." A blonde walks into a bar with a Tootsie Roll Pop in her mouth. The bartender asks her if she's ever eaten a Tootsie Roll Pop before. She says, "No, and they don't have much flavor, but they sure do last a long time." The bartender replies, "Try the other end." So this man sees this lady in public and with some hesitance, but with a sense of civil duty, alerts her that there's some spinach stuck between her teeth. She replied, "Look here mister, how cruel can you be? My two front teeth have a gap that I've had since a child, and it's none of your business anyway." The guy says, "Well, okay, but the spinach is in your bottom teeth." So when the Model T first came out this city guy buys one. Next Saturday he drives out to his cousin Bill's farm to show him the new car. Took him for a ride. The country guy had never ridden in a car before, never seen one, and every time the driver stopped Bill would hit his head on the metal or the glass in front of him. The city guy said, "Bill, no need to hit your face on that metal and glass all the time. Why don't you use your hands?" So Bill says "okay" and immediately slams both of his palms into his own head. There was an air guitar contest. First kid played a Van Halen song, had the cool look and did real well. The next guy played with a Joe Satriani song, pulled it off perfect, hit every note and even got the phrasing right. Next guy goes out there. They start a Santana song, but the guy just stands there. Then he slowly went up on his tippy toes a couple of times, stood there, turned a full circle, hit his rump with his hand once, then just stood there. The people were booing, and the judges stopped him in the middle and told him he was disqualified. He almost cried as he sat back down. ...The moral of this story is, "If you ever go to an air guitar contest and forget to take your guitar, it's best just to sit it out." This old farmer used to go to town every Saturday, pushing his wife in a wheelbarrow (not having a car). One day he walks into town pulling an empty wheelbarrow. One of the townsfolk asked him, "Why you pulling the wheelbarrow this time?" He answered, "Well, I took to pulling it because when I used to push it and my wife fell out, I'd trip over her and pert near fall over." A man hadn't seen his friend for awhile, then ran across him in the mall walking holding his right arm next to his head with his forearm flopping around. Was a good friend so asked him right away what was up with that. The friend showed him how he used to walk around with his left arm next to his head but switched to his right arm because people were looking at him funny. He asked him, "Don't people still look at you funny?" His friend answered, "Well, either not so much, or else I'm getting used to it." A friend told me about a wacky girlfriend he used to have. Once they were talking and she kept blurting out, "Don't look at me like that." This kept up till finally he told her, "Look. I'm going to hang up and call you back later." He never did. Riddle: I'm riding a bus, and not counting the bus driver, there is one person in front of me and one behind me. The bus stops. One person gets off and one person gets on. After the bus pulls away there are no people behind me and no people in front of me, nor even anyone beside me. How did that happen? .....Answer: I was the one who got off the bus. You know how buses seem to attract a few crazies as well as the typical commuters. Once I was riding a bus, and there was a guy sitting in front of me moving both arms back and forth like windshield wipers, constantly, above his head (and it wasn't raining). As his arms swept unsteadily back and forth he'd look up to the right and smile, then up to the left and smile, then up to the right and smile, continually back and forth. Finally I had enough and I told him, 'Look, get your hands back on that steering wheel, and watch where you're going.' Over the years as I've met people and told them I was from Kansas, I often hear, without hesitation, jokes about Dorothy or Toto, for example, "How's Dorothy?" or "Where's Toto?" followed by grand laughter and such pride that such a funny joke was made up so quickly. I laugh along to be nice not having the heart to tell them that only twenty people have already thought of that before. Next time I'll be ready. If somebody ever asks again how Toto is, I'm going to say 'He gave me a message to give you,' and then I'm going to get down on all fours and bite their ankle. Why is it that when somebody walks down the road a ways, you say they're up the road a bit? Why is everything that I do so difficult? Often, it's like pulling teeth out of an alligator that doesn't particularly want it's teeth removed. A wife asks her husband, "Am I fat?" He answers, "Yes, of course." She says, "You know? You could lie to me." He says, "Okay, you're gorgeous." What did they call Native Americans before 1776? Native Colonialists? Every now and then when I think I have an original thought, I quickly realize that it's not so, that I've probably had that thought before. One morning while mounting up for the cattle drive, a cowboy jumped up on his horse and immediately slid down the other side. He jumped up that side and slid off again. Jumped up again, slid off again. He finally asked, "Anybody got any Chapstick I can borrow?" A fly's eating in a restaurant and says, "Hey waiter, what's this man doing in my soup?" The waiter, also a fly, says, "What's it look like?" The patron fly says, "What do you mean? It's just some white guy." The waiter says, "I thought you asked for a cracker." A spaceship comes down and lands in the playground of a public elementary school during recess. The little green men came out and said, "Take me to your leader." The kids all gathered around and looked, and finally some of the older kids took the aliens to see the principal. The green men said, "We're here to wipe out the brains of your people, make them numb like zombies, unable to think for themselves, and only to be able to follow simple basic commands." The principal replied, "I'm sorry. There aren't any teacher positions available right now." What do you get when you cross an ornithologist with a neurologist? A birdbrain. For every rule there is an exception -- except the rule, for every rule there is an exception. That rule can't have an exception, but it has to because it's a rule. It just doesn't make any sense. A man walks into a restaurant and pours ketchup on everything, his plate, his silverware, his coffee, the napkin holder, all over the table. The waitress asks if there's a problem. He says, "No, I've been in jail for two years and just got out, and they didn't allow ketchup there, no condiments at all, and I'm celebrating." The waitress says, "Two years, huh? Well then, you haven't kissed a girl in two years, and leans over a little close and says, "There must be something else I can do for you." He says, "Yeah, go get me some mustard." A farmer finishes up his work early one summer day and decides to sit out on his back porch and enjoy the evening, something he'd never done in ages. As he was sitting there he sees a cow walk by in his neighbor's adjoining pasture. Then awhile later the farmer walks by carrying a stuffed dog under one arm, its head pointed forward. Then a few minutes later another cow walks by the same direction, again followed by the farmer carrying the stuffed dog. Same thing happens again, so the farmer yells to his neighbor, "What's going on over there? I seen you three times following your cows." The neighbor says, "Well, my cattle dog died, and I ain't had time to go get a new one, so I'm using this stuffed dog here to chase in the cows." The farmer asks, "Why don't you get them all at once like with the old dog?" The neighbor replies, "Oh come on now! It's a stuffed dog. It don't know how to count." Q: What do you get when you cross an epistemologist and an Epicurean? A: Who knows and who cares? So, this guy saves up his money and goes on a jungle safari through the thick jungle in Africa. In the dense forest, all of a sudden a native jumps in front of him, raises up his hands to his sides shaking them, and yells "boogah, boogah" like they do in the movies and then disappears into the jungle. The guy's scared half to death. A few minutes later a native jumps out from behind a tree and does the same thing, "boogah, boogah," real loud. Scares the guy again, almost has a heart attack. Nobody in the safari says a word. They all just keep walking. A few minutes later a native jumps out in front of him and does the same thing. Scares him again. This time the native just stands there and looks at the guy and says, "How many times to I have to tell you? You need to use a Kleenex." A biologist worked at a labarotory testing new medicines on rats. He realized there was no future in that so spent years breeding rats to predict natural disasters based on hearing stories of animals acting strange before such things. He finally sets up shop, has bred them so well they hardly needed training. He makes his first sale. He told the customer, "If the rat runs in circles, there's a cyclone coming. If he jumps up and down, an earthquake is imminent. If he climbs the walls of the cage, it means a tsunami." A week or so later the man called up the scientist and asked, "What does it mean if the rat is lying on its back quivering it's legs every 15 seconds or so and kind of rotating back and forth?" The scientist replied, "It means you forgot to feed him." Two men, friends, were playing golf, and unfortunately, sadly, one of them died. Later his wife asked her late husband's friend what the last moments were like. "Did he have any last words?" The friend said, "Well, yes, I remember them clearly. They were, '...but promise me you'll never tell that to my wife' " Ever noticed how that the Indians live where there are casinos and the white people don't live there? That could have kept out the Europeans years ago, just build a bunch of casinos up and down the east coast. Four sisters hadn't gotten together in years and decided to have a reunion. The one sister who had no sense of humor whatsoever lived near Kansas City, so the reunion was held there, being the central point. The other three sisters talked amongst themselves and decided to act cheery when first arriving to try to set a lighthearted tone. One sister flies in and says to the serious sister, "I just flew in from Florida, and boy are my arms tired." The second sister arrived shortly thereafter and said, "I just flew in from California, and boy are my arms tired." The serious sister didn't even crack a smile. The last sister's plane landed, she met the others and said, "I just flew in from New York, and boy are my arms tired." Still, nothing but a jeer from their sister. They all got in the sisters car, and she just sat there. One of the sisters said, "Well, aren't we going to your home?" The sister said, "Gas is expensive here too. Roll down the windows, stick out your arms, and start flapping." Yesterday I did an Internet search on "Internet search" and just ended up back where I started. I think each person's thought pattern is a constant battle of thesis/antithesis, but on the other hand I think I may be completely wrong. I saw a guy who was lying on the sidewalk after falling off of the turnip truck on his way from getting fresh off the boat. I told him, 'That's gotta hurt.' He said, "I know that already! I wasn't born yesterday!" What do you call a bunch of mad grapes? Grapes of Wrath. What do grapes do on weekends? Just hang around. What's the grape's favorite gum? Juicy Fruit. How many grapes does it take to change a light bulb? A whole bunch of them. Why was grandma purple? She was a sour grape. "When my neighbor's Rottweilers broke through the front gate and came running at me in my front yard, the only thing that came to mind was an old PBS special about a guy who lived in the wilds in Wyoming among wolves, so I kind of did what he did and hurriedly peed a circle around myself. That was a bad idea." Evolving jokes: ...So, these two saber-toothed tigers were walking along, and one said, "Hey, let's go swimming in that tar pit. What could possibly go wrong?" ...Why did the pterodactyl cross the road? ...How many Neanderthals does it take to change a torch? So, a male engineer and a super-gorgeous blonde, beautiful beyond imagination, get stranded together on a tropical island, the only survivors of a shipwreck. He says, "Well, it's just you and me. Maybe we can get along." She said, "Look you geek. Stay away from me. Don't even think about it." Ten years later he says, "It's been ten years, and I think we're stuck here. Why don't you and me get along?" She says, "No, you geek. I'm not that lonely! Keep your hands off me. Don't even think about it." Again ten years later, same question, same response. Another ten years later he asks the same thing. She says, "No you software geek. Stay away from me. Not a chance for you buddy." He said, "Wait a minute. Did you say software? No, I'm not a software programmer. I'm a Systems engineer." Her heart sinks and she says, "Well, that's different. Why didn't you tell me that thirty years ago. We could have gotten along for sure. How awful. All those wasted years, you dummy." He says, "Hey, not so fast. It's all your fault. You're the one who didn't tell me what your specifications were." Last weekend I came in last place in the Scarbbel Tournament and can't figure out what went wrong. My neighbor just up and quit smoking cold turkey. He said it tasted too much like chicken. So, this guy tells his doctor, "Doctor, sometimes when I stoop over it's real hard to get back up, and sometimes it isn't." The doctor asks, "Do you smoke?" "Yes, I do," said the man. The doctor asks, "A pipe? And is it worse the days you smoke?" "Well, yes, doctor, how did you know?" The doctor says, "Quit putting your pipe cleaners in your pants pockets." Always trying to do something for my nephew. For his birthday I decided to register a star name so that he could share his name with a star. I found out it was going to cost a lot more than I thought it would, and found out it was only $15 to go down to the courthouse and change his name. I told him about it, and he was so happy. He's three years old. I didn't tell his folks. I imagine they're going to be surprised when they get him a social security number and find out his real name is Alpha Rigil Kentaurus. What do you get when you cross an astronaut with a cheapskate? A space-saver. So, I was going through some old stuff and found an old 0.83 cent coin. I ran down to the coin dealer thinking it must be worth a fortune. He told me, "No, those are a dime a dozen." A guy goes to see a psychologist who showed him the ink blot cards. "What's this one?" "An orchid, an upside-down one." "This one?" "A rhinoceros." "And this one?" "An football that's upside-down." "One more time?" "A vase." The doctor says, "Oh, your problem is obvious, sometimes you just don't know up from down." What do you get when you cross an etymologist with an entomologist? Noah Bugster. This dancing bear hated the circus; hated, hated, hated it. One day he finds an open cage door and escapes. Goes to a nearby bar to sit down for a beer just like a normal bear would. Guy comes up to him, laughs and says, "Hey, wanna dance?" The bear takes his big claw and tosses him out the door. Another guy comes up, same thing, and then the same thing again. The bartender goes over to the bear to see what's going on, complaining about his loss of customers. The bear says, "They kept asking me to dance, and I hate dancing." The bartender says, "Well, then, ma'am, I recommend you change out of that tutu." A woman tells her husband, "You're such a cheapskate. You never buy me anything nice. Why don't you buy me something from Nordstrom's?" He answered, "I would if they sold gift certificates for Walmart." An employee's wife was invited to join the company's Toastmaster club. After several attempts of not-so-great speeches, one morning she finally gives a winner and takes home the prize, a speech about improper relationships in the workplace. Everyone complements her as the meeting breaks up, and her husband gives her a big bouqet of roses. Later that night, after a little thought, she asked her husband what he'd have done with the flowers had her speech been a normal weak presentation. He said, "The same as I've always done, I'd give them to my gorgeous secretary." A frankfurter, a piece of bacon, and a sausage patty were walking down the sidewalk one day in their hometown. They pass the mayor who says, "Good morning, Mr. Bacon. Good morning, Mr. Hot Dog." After they pass, a few seconds later, the sausage stops, turns around and says, "Hey, What am I? Chopped liver?" So a mannequin knocks on this guy's door, and the guy says, "Statue? Statue? Statue?" The mannequin says, "Well, you don't have to rub it in." So this convent was a little short of funds, so they announce a basketball game between the nuns and monks, who usually weave baskets for their income. A bunch of people come to the game, but it isn't very good. They run with the ball, double dribble out of bounds, can't catch passes, try to shoot the ball through the bottom of the hoop, run into each other. It's awful. The crowd starts booing. The monsignor comes down from his office to see why all the commotion and sees the basketball game going on. He reprimanded them all. One monk said, "But you told us to have a basketball game." His superior said, "No. I said, a fall basket bazaar, not bizarre basketball." Once Tarzan went over to visit a friend. Upon arriving, the friend's wife told Tarzan he wasn't there. Tarzan said, "That's okay. I'll swing by later." The police are all at a crime scene in a home where they've found a dead body. The experienced detective finally arrives and asks the young cop what they've found. "Just this note the guy wrote." The detective said, "Read me the note." The cop read it, "If you find my dead body, I didn't kill myself. My neighbor hated me. My ex-girlfriend wanted me dead. A guy at work was always trying to kill me. Please find my killer and bring them to justice." Afterwards the detective says, "Well, not only was he suicidal, he was paranoid and delusional too." Okay. A man goes to see a psychiatrist and begs him for help. "I had a dream last night. I reached out to pick up a butterfly in my sister's bedroom, and it turned into a dragon and started to kill me. I woke up in horrific fear." The doctor said, "Well, it's obvious you have repressed sexual feelings for your sister. That's normal. Twenty or thirty sessions, and I can fix you up." The next man comes in. "Doctor, help me please. I had a dream that I was going down a river in a boat. Before going under a bridge I fell out. I reached out to a girl on shore, but she pushed me into the icy water. It was awful." The doctor said, "Well, it's obvious you have repressed sexual feelings for your sister. That's normal. Twenty or thirty sessions, and I can fix you up." The next guy comes in. The doctor said, "This is your second visit. Are your dreams getting better?" The man says, "I'll say. Last night I dreamed I had my way with your gorgeous receptionist. It was great!" The doctor says, "You sick, twisted, incurable creep! I'll have you know that she's my sister!" What did the milkmaid say to the other one while making butter? It's your churn. So, this old farmer was hard of hearing but was too poor to buy a hearing aid, so instead he had this hearing duck, a duck he held in his arm up near his head. One day little Jimmy goes to his house. Jimmy says, "How are you today, sir?" The duck turns to look at the farmer and says "Quack!" The farmer says "Okay, and how are you, little Jimmy?" Jimmy says, "Fine. My mother sent me over to invite you to dinner tonight." The duck cocks its head as it watches Jimmy speak, then turns to the farmer and says, "Quack!" The farmer said, "Okay, thanks. What time to you want me to come over?" Jimmy says, "About seven, and Momma says to tell you we're not having steak like you liked so much last time, just some poultry and potatoes." The duck turns it's head to the farmer and says, "Oink!" A man's wife was always correcting her husband, his grammar, his behavior, everything. One morning while leaving for work he says, "Sure wish I was on vacation today." She says, "No, dear, not wish I was, it should be Sure wish I were on vacation." Finally he's had enough and tells her, "I'm so sick of you always correcting me. You're always right, and I'm always wrong. I'm tired of your holier than thou attitude." To which she replies, "No, dear, that should be holier than thee." Who says logic doesn't play a role in marital spats? In logic, you start with a list of premises and end up with a conclusion. When I argue with my wife, I start with a list of promises and end up with a contusion. There was a man who when a boy got kicked by a steer, and it knocked his right ear clean to the left side of his head. It was hard for him to get dates later in life, but he finally went out with a nice girl. When he stopped the car to drop her off at her house he asked her out again. She said, "Thanks for the night, but I don't think I'll be seeing you again. It's nothing personal about you. It's just me." So he said, "Great! I'll be by Saturday at six to pick you up." A guy's walking around dazed-like in a park dragging along a leash and with a dog on his head. Everybody looks at him funny and avoids him. Finally, one man's curiosity gets the best of him and asks that guy what he's doing. "I've lost my dog. Can you help me find him?" The curious man says, "Well, is that it on your head?" The guy reaches up to lower the dog and says, "Wow. Thanks a lot! Since you're so good at finding things, now can you help me find my hat?" There was an airline flight nearly full of people, but in one seat sat a big bird. The bird turns to the man sitting next to it and says, "I hate flying." Some children put their mother into a rest home that was packed with activities and entertainment. Each night at dinner there was a man singing songs up on a little stage. A few weeks later, when the kids asked their mother how it was going, she said, "What?" They asked again a little louder. She said, "Well, the dinners are great, but the guy doing pantomime is awful." Q. What was probably the hardest part of Napolean's life? A. The bony-part. For every psychiatrist, there are 100 people who drive you crazy. That was my fifth time to participate in the Walkathon to End all Walkathons. I can't wait till next year. The difference between a contradiction and a paradox? One is used to hide a lie, and the other one to hide the truth? There's really no such thing as irony. An ironic story is a story half-told. It's in the soil and the sun. Put a poor farmer on rich bottomland, and he'll be a rich poor farmer. I know we try to avoid the term "third world country," but I know some "developing countries" that have been "developing countries" ever since I can remember Thoughts of two youngsters after their first date: (Her) 'He's so good looking.' (Him) 'She's so intelligent looking.' ...or vice versa What this country needs to do is solve its financial problems, not salve them. A man eating at a restaurant finds a hair net in his spaghetti. He yells at the waitress, "There's a hair net in my spaghetti. How horrible. How awful is that?" She replies, "Oh, that won't be so bad, our chef hardly has any hair anyway." |